I want to tell you something. I want to be honest with you, this post is going to be a novel long. I suggest you grab a coffee and tissue perhaps. This post is not going to be proof-read nor revised just to be acceptable for your grammar madness, and I won’t apologize. If you can’t stand my grammar, just leave.
Note: I am not looking for sympathy or backup singers and dancers. This is only FYI.
I just want to pour my heart out and I don’t want you to worry because I won’t be pouring blood on you. I used to think that my heart is filled with love – just love. Love that overflows. So, I decided to share it with whoever needs love.
A long time ago, my heart was filled with anger and hatred. I faked smile and happiness; I was always serious. I didn’t give sympathy to people. All I care about that time was my survival. And to survive I needed to fill my heart with anger and hatred. I never trusted anyone. I believe that people just come and go. So, I never cling to them. Why would I? They are going to betray and leave me anyway. Only that way I saved myself from heartbreak and pain. Though, I cannot share with you the reasons I was that way, believe me, that it was so horrible that I tried to take God’s greatest blessing to humankind – my life. I tried four times but as you can tell, I failed. It’s not because someone found me bleeding, it was because whenever I was trying to do it my anger will re-surface. My anger gave me the reason to fight the demon I’ve been harboring inside my head. My anger pushed me to move forward – to do better. It pushed me to better myself and come back stronger, so nobody will step and look down on me. After long years of living in anger and hatred, I finally forgot about it. But then the depression came.
I have regretted the times I lived with those feelings. I wasted the times that I could be happy making many friends. Those times, when everyone around me was attending parties, reunions and meeting new people, I was there angry trying to plot my revenge. I regret those times that I could happy. And these regrets were overpowering me. I started feeling depressed and having anxieties. But I will tell you my depression later. I want to focus on other things for now; anxiety and the crap I get for being happy.
If you don’t know, my mom left when I was 13 and never came back. So, my anxiety actually started when she left. I am always worried and scared. You see, I believe that mothers were the last people on Earth to abandon you. Because you were their child. So when she left, I couldn’t trust anyone. I pushed people away whenever I started to feel something or care for them. I don’t want to be the one who will be left behind – crying and heartbroken. My ex-boyfriend once told me I was heartless and I’ll never find true love. You see, he asked me what am I going to do if he told me he’s leaving me. And all I can say was “ok. If you need help packing, I’ll help you out.” Heartless, right? I learned not to beg for someone to stay. Those times, I am used to being alone and it never bothered me. I never expect anybody to stay in my life. People come and go.
I am still carrying this anxiety with me, and it’s scary. But this time it’s different. I love truly and entrusted my heart to someone- my husband. And do you know how to it feels to love and feel anxious at the same time? It feels like your world is filled with what ifs.
What if he gets tired of me?
What if he found someone better?
What if he leaves me?
What if he fell out of love?
Crazy, right? But that’s only the small piece of my anxiety. I feel uneasy talking to new people. That’s probably why I wouldn’t get a job. That’s also the reason why I don’t have new friends (well, I have new friends on IG but haven’t met them).
But you know what I realized while typing this, my anxieties are my fears. They are not just uneasiness or anxiousness. They are my fears of uncertainties. I’ve been working hard to at least lessen this burden; it’s difficult. If you know anything, the easiest way possible, please let me know. I’ll gladly try it. But please don’t send me to doctors; I don’t like doctors and I am scared of needles and blood.
Okay, let’s move on to the other topic. As you can tell, my depression and anxiety were best friends. I can’t separate them. And you’ll probably be wondering why I brought depression and anxiety up again since I said we are moving on to the next topic. Well, because the crap I get for being happy is basically the cause of my recent depression.
Let’s start with the crap I get for blogging.
Blogging makes me happy because I can talk and share whatever I want to share with other people without really “talking” to them. I enjoyed making changes on the design of my blog. And I actually enjoy the attention I am getting from my new found online friends like Amielle, Glaiza, and Christie. So yeah, blogging is my new found happiness. But then there is these crap. I got this message even before (like 2012), it’s just somebody reminded me of it again.
It goes like this…
“I don’t understand why you have to put your useless content on the web. You’re grammar sucks. You even went to the USA for school and yet you didn’t learn proper English.”
I know, right? CRAP. Of course, this little “Princess” dwell into it again. Fell into depression. But then I remembered someone actually complimented my “imperfect grammar” writing. He said, my writing is unique and whenever he reads it, it seems like I am talking to him. That he can actually hear the tone of my voice and even feel the emotion he needs to feel. That’s why I am back to blogging again. Because I don’t want to disappoint my number one fan; besides he paid for my .com hahaha
The crap I get for not having a job.
Someone pointed out my useless blog content, and then his/her twin pointed out my worthlessness. What can I do? I enjoy being at home without a boss.
It goes like this…
“Why you don’t have a job? It’s embarrassing that someone sent you to college and you don’t want to use your degree. You should be ashamed of yourself.”
CRAP again. I am actually ashamed that I couldn’t do so much for the person who sent me to school. I am sure if I were to ask him what can I do to repay his kindness, again, he would say “I want you to fly.” Until I figured out how to grow wings I don’t really know how to deal with this CRAP. But let me tell you about my job. I don’t even understand why I have to say “job” because for me it’s not a job. First, I don’t get paid. So, no salary, no benefits, no bonuses, and no sick leave. Second, I loved it. And because I loved it so much there are days that I would work all day and all night. This is not an easy job especially if the future of 60 students were in your hands. If I don’t do my “job” they might lose their scholarships. And when that happened they will lose hope and eventually their better future. How do you feel working without pay and all you worry about is somebody else’s future? Not only that, sometimes you’d stumble into people who need your help with medical problems. Then they will die. How would you feel when someone’s life slipped from your hand? Happened to me few times. I stayed up for 24 hours waiting for a medical diagnosis, then I fell asleep and I woke to a message that the person passed away. How would you continue working if you will always remember that a person died because you “fell asleep” or because “the money you sent didn’t arrive soon enough to make a downpayment for the hospital?” And we’re back to depression again. If you want to know more where I work you can check it at Starfish Foundation.
I said this post is going to be novel length, but I am thinking of stopping here and continue all this crap on my future posts. I took lots of crap and I just want to let you know that if anybody giving you crap, don’t ever feel bad. Why? Because they have so much crap in their lives and they just want to make your life as crappy as theirs. Don’t give them the enjoyment of seeing you being miserable because of the crap they throw at you. I would suggest not to throw their crap back. It’s better to throw some toilet cleaners their way – make sure it has chlorine because it cleans really well.
Okay. I already talked too much. And this blog post has been jumping from all over the place, that I would apologize. I just want to lessen my burden, so I posted it. Also, this post will actually give you an idea who am I. Don’t hate me. I have too many haters already and I only have one obligatory fan.
Bye for now. Let’s continue these topics on my future posts. And if you have a blog post related to this leave your link in the comments so I can read it. Thanks